scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Randomize
