dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
