dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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