I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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