I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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