im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think I am morally bankrupt
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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