just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
