i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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