Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
