I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
