please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
