you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
