Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
