I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
