yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
