Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
