I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
