Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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