Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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