so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
