You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
