You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
