So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
