why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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