Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
