She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
