my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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