i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
