Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
