I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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