I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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