Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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