Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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