i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
