fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
