dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
