i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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