Jerry, you need to find god
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
