I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i love accidental penises.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
