So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
