Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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