My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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