ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
