My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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