forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
