I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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