PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
