I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
