If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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