I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
