One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize