someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
