sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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