omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
