I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
